just junk

As my dear friend Non-Stop Mom calls it, the following will be a "brain dump". Just the random things floating through my head. They may be serious, they may not be. Just gotta get it out of my head and somewhere else.
Much like a lot of other people I went Saturday evening to Cowtown for the Civil War Days. That was fun, my husband however, didn't share my enthusiasm for the event, and did fairly well at showing it. He claims he didn't know I liked things like this...but when given the opportunity to drive to Kennesaw Mountain while we lived in Georgia with his family. I jumped. And when they wanted to climb the mountain, I went with excitement because at the top was a beautiful view, and civil war cannons. I spent a LONG time in the museum, where there were civil war artifacts. I watched the reenactment they put on, with a smile on my face and blood coursing through my veins. I love this part of history. It was so "revolutionary" for lack of a better word. It changed our path. It changed history. I love it, and I hope that someday my children will share my love of it.
I had a meeting Thursday evening, and it was during the course of this meeting and Friday morning that I realized that I've had my past all wrong. I've lived my life believing that the man I lost my virginity to, was my first love. And that must have been why I was so screwed up. However, I find that not to be the case. While yes, I did love B.D. (initials only here.) and I would have given up life for him, he was NOT my first true love. That was lust. C. E. was actually my first love. This man, he did it all. He gave me almost everything a girl could dream of. The love, the romance, the simple things, support, encouragement, and when the time came for him....he gave me freedom. All the while, I was horrible to him. I treated him so badly at the end of our relationship, that almost 12 years later...I'm ashamed of it. And I cannot apologize enough to him for how I behaved, and how I must have hurt him.
C. left a road of shoes that are hard to fill. My husband is not a romantic. He doesn't buy flowers, I sometimes think he has no feelings. He doesn't know how to show them.  I like to dance. I like to express my love in written ways. I like to quote songs. I like to feel attractive (even when I'm not). I like to be swooned. I like to FEEL important, needed, wanted. My husband isn't that person. I think he got the short end of the stick in this relationship. You see, I expected that once I found someone who would love me, and share with me, and take me on....I'd get the romance, the love, encouragement, support...the simple things. However, I married someone who isn't like that. He's not into the flowers, dancing, kissing, holding hands, snuggling on the couch, romance, THAT love. It's just not him. I don't know if it's because his dad wasn't around to show him that it was okay to do that...or if he just hates it. But it really tears me down sometimes. When I need it the most, he can't give it to me.
We have what I call a poisonous relationship. He hates me, and I hate him. He loves me (I think) and I love him (I know.) There have been events in our house lately that just make me wonder.

Off to other things. I need to get my butt in gear fundraising for CF...which is another thorn in my side. My life is just full of chaos. When I was younger I thought...being an adult would be peaceful, because I would be different than my parents. But you see, I'm just like my parents. I'm a mixture of the two of them. Every day is some kind of chaos. And not because of a schedule, but mostly because I'M in it.
So tonight, I'm going to put on my depressing playlist and just sit here and cry. I have reached my limit of able to cope well. I just cannot do it anymore.