September 18, 2012

2 Years Already?

Has is really been two years already? It seems like just yesterday I was pregnant with Rylan, and just waiting for him to decide he was ready to meet his family. He turned 2 today. Looking's been such a joyous ride. He is such a character, and I can't wait to see what the next year brings. I told this story last year reflecting upon his first year of life. When I think about the way I described him then, not much has changed. He still has his cheezy little grin, which now is hilarious and full of teeth. He walks, runs, dances, does summer saults that typically end up sideways, and tries to jump. He is a chatterbox, but he's funny. Above all of that, he is STILL my little snuggle bug. He still picks fights with his brother and sister, just to see what happens. He's now about 33 pounds, and probably cutting close to 3 foot tall, his shoes are just about the same size as his 5 year old brother. I have an inclination to say he's most definitely going to be my football player, and he is most definitely already my daredevil. Sometimes I think he has no fear.
So today, at 6:41, my 8 lb 21 inch baby boy is 2. and is now 33 lbs and we call him the monster, because he's a big boy. I sure love him. I love all of my children. Rylan is the last baby I will ever have. I am soaking in everything. I am trying to enjoy him, to the fullest extent while I can, because I know before long he will no longer be my little baby, he'll be a big boy. Just like Corban, all grown up and going to school, asking for birthday parties and riding his bike. And then someday...they'll be grown up, and move out, and have families of their own.
So with all of that being said....

you won't be this little again...

September 8, 2012

Funerals, Family, and Feuds.

So September 1st, my mom's uncle passed away. Only certain members of the family knew he was sick. And I didn't even learn from any of them, or my mother that he had passed away. I spent a lot of time during my childhood with him, and his wife, as well as at least their son. Yesterday was the funeral/memorial service. I've never been to a service where the person had been cremated. As we left, the skies opened up and it started POURING. We didn't go to the park after the service, because it was raining, so instead, I indulged in a little shopping therapy. Bought a couple shirts, and a pair of "super skinny" jeans. They don't fit me quite right...but that's okay. I intend for them to get entirely too big.
I checked my facebook shortly after getting Mom back to her place, and notice a post from my uncle, that their sister has deleted him from facebook. That being said, this morning I check mine, and she has deleted me as well. My feelings are not hurt. It doesn't bother me. Facebook is Facebook, it's not life, it's not God, it's not my well being or my means to survive. It's entertainment, it's a way to communicate with the people in my family I do not see often, or even my friends that I don't see often. What does bother me, is this person is supposed to be an adult. I find it amusing that they are all so childish they can't work past the issues they themselves have created. Grandma died some 12 or 13 years ago I believe. They haven't been able to even PRETEND to get along since the day she took her last breath, and they all argued during that! It is pathetic that they can't put aside their difference and remember that they have a family. The have brothers, and sisters, and nieces and nephews, great nieces, and great nephews. Yet, they all want to dwell and what so-and-so did twenty freaking years ago. Yesterday, I had to force my way to conversation with them. I didn't know I had been "removed" from their "lives".
It used to be that it hurt my feelings and broke my heart that I wasn't invited to their family get togethers. I have struggled with this for years. But today, I am changing that. The next time I see any of them, will be when someone else on that side of the family passes away. They can all communicate with me, yet choose not to. They all know someone that I know. They're all close to other people I'm close to. But I will not force myself into their lives. If they want to live in their small, tight knit circle of hypocrites, wife beaters, and lazyness that's their perogative. But I will not subject myself, or my beautifully innocent children to their psychotic schemes.
I understand that this may not be a Christian behavior. However, after YEARS of want and ache to be involved, I am now finished. They have removed me from their lives, and I will stay removed. I will not try again. I may take a LOT of flack for this next statement. Revelation 3:20 "Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me." Well I have knocked and knocked and knocked, and hollered, and yelled, and wept. Our pastor teaches that God knocks on our hearts, but he will not knock forever. Eventually, he's no longer there. I am no longer there. I am done. I will no longer knock, I will no longer weep, I will know longer call. I will teach my children that God loves each and everyone of us, regardless of what errors we make. A parent's love is unconditional, and while I do understand that brothers and sisters do have strife, 99.5% of the world can put the strife behind them. However, .5% of them are my blood relatives and can't manage to put anything behind them, except the door that was left open for them.  I have closed my door, locked the knob, the dead bolt, and put up the chain. I am no longer available for them to hurt.
To that side of the family. Cousins, I am here. I will not go anywhere. I wish we could rekindle the friendships that we had as children living blocks from each other. I remember the fun we had. I hope our children can one day share the same fun. To the one Uncle I will remain in touch with. I adore you. I admire you. I trust you. I love you. You were the one who married my husband and I, you have been there for me even when you weren't fully capable. I wish I could spend more time with you, and your family. I miss you. To my mom....thank you. Thank you for raising me in a way that showed me that some people do care. Thank you for giving me the relationship I have with my father's family who do continue to show love and interest in my little speck of the world. Thank you for always being there to clean up the tears. Thank you for not being like them.
To my father's family. Thank you for never falling apart. Thank you for always trying to work through your differences. And to Uncle Tony and Aunt Crystal, thank you for taking me under your wings, and showing me all your love. I love you both.
And to everyone else. Please don't lash me too hard. This may be emotionally driven, but I truly do feel this.
And now...I will stuff my nose into Book two of Fifty Shades. Because I myself, am slowly falling in love with Christian Grey. This is all your fault Schanell, and Kelly. :)

June 14, 2012

Surgery Update and Struggling

On June 5th, I had a total hysterectomy, including a tube and ovary removal. Found out the on my left tube was a cyst about 2 cm in size, and more on my right tube, which still remains. I'm wondering if this isn't from having my tubes tied? I don't know. Can't find much on it right now.
Today is better than many other days this week. I haven't need Ibuprofen. For about 2 days I had been back to feeling like poo, and yesterday even slept almost half of the day away. I really hope I can get over this quickly and that I'm healing well like I should be, I NEED to get back to work, I'm going INSANE sitting here!!

Something that has REALLY been bothering me I constantly see people I grew up with having a relationship with one side of my family, that I literally haven't seen in at least 3 or more years, some of them longer than that. I don't understand why I get excluded, but have been coping. I don't know why it bothers me so much lately, but it does. I'm here. You know I'm here. I have 3 beautiful children, and you're missing out on them!!!! Why am I not good enough? What did I do, that means you can't associate with me? Invite me to the dinners you all have for holidays?
Don't get me wrong, they aren't the only family I have, I have a whole other side of me. But seeing you all interact with each other, and the photos,  makes me jealous. Probably because SOME OF YOU, I was VERY close with as a child.
Maybe it's just me getting older, and realizing what is important to me. Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's medications. I don't know what it really is, all I know is it gets harder and harder to keep my mouth shut about it. It would just be nice to hear, "Hey Ashley, we're having Thanksgiving dinner *insert date and time here* we'd love to see you"
Dear Family that doesn't ignore my existance, YOU all know who you are. Thank you for always making me a part of the things that are important. Thank you for loving me like you do, and thank you for ALWAYS supporting me, even when I made stupid decisions in my early adulthood. I love y'all so much! And to the people who have MADE me their family, even though we're not related by any means...I love you too! Thank you for all you do.
Okay...End Rant. more thing. Insomnia, it's for the birds. I wish I didn't have this problem. BOO to Insomnia.

May 16, 2012

This will be the death of me....

I knew it was a possibility. I thought I'd be okay with it. Back in November, I started having major  problems with my lady parts. I went to the dr who delivered Rylan and her only suggestion was to put me on birth control. That did NOT help any, in fact it made it worse. So, in April I went to my regular doctor about it. Well that lead to an ultrasound, lab tests, and a different ob visit. Well, that visit was on Monday. The answer was not what I had hoped for, but something I THOUGHT I had prepared myself for...Tuesday, June 5th I will go under the "robotic knife" and endure a total hysterectomy. They will leave my right ovary. I will be out of work for at LEAST 2 weeks. With a 6 week recovery period. For the first two weeks I won't be able to drive. I'm farely independent. I will need help, I really have none. My mom just had a hip replacement, that has gone a lot further than she wanted it to. She won't be able to handle helping out with the boys. My father will be gone beginning of June (before my surgery). Discussion has been tossed around about having my father-in-law fly in to help. Nothing has been decided yet...and I'm not even sure that I'll have a ride HOME from the hospital...What I will say, is that if I have to have someone OTHER than my Husband drive me home, not only will he get a swift kick in the face (not literally) but so will his "boss" who is one the most insensitive jerks I've ever met.
My biggest problem with accepting this has been............and most of you will think "oh how selfish"..
Babies. Just as I was accepting my tubal, and REALLY okay with not having anymore babies....I get slammed. And now I cry, a LOT, because I will NEVER have the ability to have another baby. Even if I were to get rich and could afford invitro....I won't be able to. A lot of people around me are having babies. And 95% of them are having the baby girl I have always wanted to give Matt. I'm not sure why I struggle so much with it, but I really do just plain struggle with it.
 I cried the entire way home from work, and while it may not have been JUST over this...this was the majority of it. Why can't I accept this?! Why can I not just let go of the babies?! We carry Cystic Fibrosis....each child we were to have has a 25% chance of having it. We chose to have my tubes tied because of this. It was a decision we made in good concious. I don't think that losing "my lady parts" makes me any less of a woman. But I do feel like it may just be the end of the world. now that I'm going to be either ignored, or bombarded by the "you're a selfish cry baby" comments....That concludes my rant/cryfest.

May 5, 2012

Wow, it's been a while!!!! BOOOYYYY do I have news for you!!!
Okay, where to start. Since I last posted, my husband and I had a wedding anniversary. 3 years. We're surviving! I hope. That's about the only excitement. Oh...wait..I lied... because there is this thing we did yesterday...
WE SIGNED THE PAPERS THAT WILL ALLOW US TO BE A HOUSEHOLD OF HOLLENBECKS!!!!! ALL that's left is to pay off the 700 dollars, and wait the mandatory 30 days from the petition filing date. So by mid will be official, and we will have a party the likes of one you've never seen.
Today was The Great Strides 2012 Walk. All in all the total raised was $137,225 and that's JUST preliminary. Every year I see a sign I haven't seen before. This year didn't fail me. I found one that shared that the CFF has 14 opportunities for drug research, but only enough funding for 4. Can you imagine how much closer to CURING this nightmare we'd be if they had the funding for ALL 14!? Rick Regan said it best..."Wouldn't it be great if we didn't have to get together next year?!" Now, while that would be sad, because I wouldn't see so many great and wonderful people...I would be thrilled!!! And, For the first time in 4 years, we actually took the short trip. It was hot, and we were pretty much carrying Rylan because he wouldn't sit in the stroller.
I attempted to beat myself this year. My goal was 500 dollars. I got $497.23. Initially I though I had beat it by 2 dollars. But I believe my math was wrong. I am still however taking donations at
Starting today, I begin my brain storm and processing for the next year. And this year I'm gonna rock it out. The last few years I've just been waiting until right at time and starting to work. This year I'm getting to it. I already have two events lined up and many more coming!!!
May 8th, 4 pm-10 pm Join us at On The Border out West with the flier for that location and enjoy a meal while donating to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation! (If you need a flier ask me, I'll get you one!!) May 22nd, join us for lunch OR dinner at the On The Border out East, along with your flyer and enjoy a meal while donating to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. (Again, if you need a flyer, ask, I'll get you one!)
I'm working on a bake sale, a golf tournament, a reverse raffle (this one is going to be the MOST fun!!) Garage sale, among many other ideas!! I'd like to see $5,000+ this year. And I need YOU to help me!!!!
Right now, I'd like to see Rylan fall asleep so I could take a nap.  And I must share with you my new desk buddy. Each year I buy one of these bears. They're 5$. This year they had armed forces bears, along with their usual, heart vest, great strides logo and pink bears. AND they had Americana. I was torn between two. One with a flag, and one with a heart like a flag. But since I love them soo much I picked.....