So September 1st, my mom's uncle passed away. Only certain members of the family knew he was sick. And I didn't even learn from any of them, or my mother that he had passed away. I spent a lot of time during my childhood with him, and his wife, as well as at least their son. Yesterday was the funeral/memorial service. I've never been to a service where the person had been cremated. As we left, the skies opened up and it started POURING. We didn't go to the park after the service, because it was raining, so instead, I indulged in a little shopping therapy. Bought a couple shirts, and a pair of "super skinny" jeans. They don't fit me quite right...but that's okay. I intend for them to get entirely too big.
I checked my facebook shortly after getting Mom back to her place, and notice a post from my uncle, that their sister has deleted him from facebook. That being said, this morning I check mine, and she has deleted me as well. My feelings are not hurt. It doesn't bother me. Facebook is Facebook, it's not life, it's not God, it's not my well being or my means to survive. It's entertainment, it's a way to communicate with the people in my family I do not see often, or even my friends that I don't see often. What does bother me, is this person is supposed to be an adult. I find it amusing that they are all so childish they can't work past the issues they themselves have created. Grandma died some 12 or 13 years ago I believe. They haven't been able to even PRETEND to get along since the day she took her last breath, and they all argued during that! It is pathetic that they can't put aside their difference and remember that they have a family. The have brothers, and sisters, and nieces and nephews, great nieces, and great nephews. Yet, they all want to dwell and what so-and-so did twenty freaking years ago. Yesterday, I had to force my way to conversation with them. I didn't know I had been "removed" from their "lives".
It used to be that it hurt my feelings and broke my heart that I wasn't invited to their family get togethers. I have struggled with this for years. But today, I am changing that. The next time I see any of them, will be when someone else on that side of the family passes away. They can all communicate with me, yet choose not to. They all know someone that I know. They're all close to other people I'm close to. But I will not force myself into their lives. If they want to live in their small, tight knit circle of hypocrites, wife beaters, and lazyness that's their perogative. But I will not subject myself, or my beautifully innocent children to their psychotic schemes.
I understand that this may not be a Christian behavior. However, after YEARS of want and ache to be involved, I am now finished. They have removed me from their lives, and I will stay removed. I will not try again. I may take a LOT of flack for this next statement. Revelation 3:20 "Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice and open
the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me." Well I have knocked and knocked and knocked, and hollered, and yelled, and wept. Our pastor teaches that God knocks on our hearts, but he will not knock forever. Eventually, he's no longer there. I am no longer there. I am done. I will no longer knock, I will no longer weep, I will know longer call. I will teach my children that God loves each and everyone of us, regardless of what errors we make. A parent's love is unconditional, and while I do understand that brothers and sisters do have strife, 99.5% of the world can put the strife behind them. However, .5% of them are my blood relatives and can't manage to put anything behind them, except the door that was left open for them. I have closed my door, locked the knob, the dead bolt, and put up the chain. I am no longer available for them to hurt.
To that side of the family. Cousins, I am here. I will not go anywhere. I wish we could rekindle the friendships that we had as children living blocks from each other. I remember the fun we had. I hope our children can one day share the same fun. To the one Uncle I will remain in touch with. I adore you. I admire you. I trust you. I love you. You were the one who married my husband and I, you have been there for me even when you weren't fully capable. I wish I could spend more time with you, and your family. I miss you. To my mom....thank you. Thank you for raising me in a way that showed me that some people do care. Thank you for giving me the relationship I have with my father's family who do continue to show love and interest in my little speck of the world. Thank you for always being there to clean up the tears. Thank you for not being like them.
To my father's family. Thank you for never falling apart. Thank you for always trying to work through your differences. And to Uncle Tony and Aunt Crystal, thank you for taking me under your wings, and showing me all your love. I love you both.
And to everyone else. Please don't lash me too hard. This may be emotionally driven, but I truly do feel this.
And now...I will stuff my nose into Book two of Fifty Shades. Because I myself, am slowly falling in love with Christian Grey. This is all your fault Schanell, and Kelly. :)