July 6, 2011

Putting together some thoughts.....

Well, it has come and gone. The holiday for the summer. The birthday for the summer. Thank goodness. Now if the stress level would just go away.
I have been processing what seems like thought after thought after thought after thought. I can't sleep without thinking. I have dreams about my thoughts.
Courtleigh's birthday was just under a week ago. She turned 7 years old. It's hard to believe that 7 years ago my life became what it is today. She is by far one of the 4 best things to ever happen to me! Her birthday also marked an "anniversary" of sorts. It was 2 years since the last time her biological father tried to make contact with her. A family who plays the "you are keeping us from her" card way too much has now made it clear JUST where she stands in their eyes. Her Grandmother couldn't even give her the time of day. (yet asked me once if she can come for the summer...) On an almost daily basis I am asked why she has to have the name she has. And on a daily basis I have to explain to her how it's the name she was born with because of her dad, which subsequently starts a conversation about how she feels about it. That's right, a 7 year old has feelings. *shocked look* Imagine THAT!!!!
I have started a "jar" of sorts. I'm going to start sticking every piece of change I get in this jar and that is going to fund my "life changing decision". Donations are more than welcome. LOL! I am inclined to write a "letter" of sorts. At this point in time I'm not sure that I'd send it, so I don't waste my effort. But if I did it would go something like:
"Dear D-bag, Thank you for donating your sperm to give me such a wonderful daughter. Thank you for leaving us shortly after her first birthday and then abandoning her. Thank you for not helping me support her, and for completely ignoring her existance. I feel as though my words are not enough though. My thank you cannot completely express my gratitude. As such, I feel inclined to send you a gift. That gift requires only your signature. Your signature relenquishes your parental responsibilities and relieves you of all pressures of raising a child for whom you obviously do not care. Along with your signature also comes a gift to my beautiful daughter. Someone who loves her with all his heart will adopt her as his own. This is only fair, as you have been so gracious to bless us with all your gifts. Sincerely, Me."
That's a clean version of my thoughts. I would love to include more colorful vocabulary to actually portray just how I really feel. However I've always tried to be the bigger person....so here we are.
I have felt this way for a while now. I just can't always put it into words. Watching my daughter completely lose faith and all feeling for someone is miserable. I watched her heart break, and then watched her repair it. And she's only 7.
So for what it's worth...someday my jar will be full of change. and that will turn to dollar bills, which will turn to enough money to actually give my baby girl the one gift she would probably appreciate.