July 6, 2011

Putting together some thoughts.....

Well, it has come and gone. The holiday for the summer. The birthday for the summer. Thank goodness. Now if the stress level would just go away.
I have been processing what seems like thought after thought after thought after thought. I can't sleep without thinking. I have dreams about my thoughts.
Courtleigh's birthday was just under a week ago. She turned 7 years old. It's hard to believe that 7 years ago my life became what it is today. She is by far one of the 4 best things to ever happen to me! Her birthday also marked an "anniversary" of sorts. It was 2 years since the last time her biological father tried to make contact with her. A family who plays the "you are keeping us from her" card way too much has now made it clear JUST where she stands in their eyes. Her Grandmother couldn't even give her the time of day. (yet asked me once if she can come for the summer...) On an almost daily basis I am asked why she has to have the name she has. And on a daily basis I have to explain to her how it's the name she was born with because of her dad, which subsequently starts a conversation about how she feels about it. That's right, a 7 year old has feelings. *shocked look* Imagine THAT!!!!
I have started a "jar" of sorts. I'm going to start sticking every piece of change I get in this jar and that is going to fund my "life changing decision". Donations are more than welcome. LOL! I am inclined to write a "letter" of sorts. At this point in time I'm not sure that I'd send it, so I don't waste my effort. But if I did it would go something like:
"Dear D-bag, Thank you for donating your sperm to give me such a wonderful daughter. Thank you for leaving us shortly after her first birthday and then abandoning her. Thank you for not helping me support her, and for completely ignoring her existance. I feel as though my words are not enough though. My thank you cannot completely express my gratitude. As such, I feel inclined to send you a gift. That gift requires only your signature. Your signature relenquishes your parental responsibilities and relieves you of all pressures of raising a child for whom you obviously do not care. Along with your signature also comes a gift to my beautiful daughter. Someone who loves her with all his heart will adopt her as his own. This is only fair, as you have been so gracious to bless us with all your gifts. Sincerely, Me."
That's a clean version of my thoughts. I would love to include more colorful vocabulary to actually portray just how I really feel. However I've always tried to be the bigger person....so here we are.
I have felt this way for a while now. I just can't always put it into words. Watching my daughter completely lose faith and all feeling for someone is miserable. I watched her heart break, and then watched her repair it. And she's only 7.
So for what it's worth...someday my jar will be full of change. and that will turn to dollar bills, which will turn to enough money to actually give my baby girl the one gift she would probably appreciate.

June 27, 2011

the rest of the story...

Well, looks like I forgot to get the update written for Corban. He was sent home on Saturday with no specific orders. By Monday morning we were on our way to Kansas City. I called his CF team and they wasted no time in telling me to bring him in. Laura forewarned me that we were probably going to be admitted. So I drop the other two kiddos off with my mom, call my husband and let him know, and off we go. We get there and not even like 4 minutes after checking into the clinic Laura says, you already have a room. I was sad. But glad to get my baby boy help. He spent over night at the best hospital I've EVER spent time in. That was quite the experience. Anyway...
The official diagnosis was Distal Intestinal Obstructive Syndrome. (DIOS) This is pretty much a cf related problem. Essentially he was constipated, without being constipated. It was a miserably stinky night. :) But the next day, he was feeling better! He will have to have miralax once a day at least for the rest of his life, because of the cf...(yay....another medicine....can you hear my excitement?) But if it keeps him healthy...then okay.
Tonight...I'm sitting here thinking about bed, but have to wait for a while.
Matt found out today that his hand is broken. 4th and 5th metacarpals are broken at the joint in his wrist...No wonder his hand was bruised, and swollen. Poor guy. When he finally gets home I'll find out what they did. Whether they cast it up, or just put a splint on it. The only way to compare it is to think of a Rubber Glove that's been blown up and colored purple. LOL, I feel bad for him. It's always his right hand.
Here's hoping my tummy calms down, and I can relax. Kids are all asleep. 2/3 in their beds. Mommy bathed, and in jammies, just waiting for my tummy to settle so I can sleep..at some point. :( Just hope that it happens quickly. Thank goodness for cooler weather!!!!!

June 18, 2011

Our stint in the hospital...again.

Every year, at some point Corban goes to the hospital... whether it's for an injury, or a week long stay, it has happened for the last 4 years.When he was 9 months old, he spent Mother's Day in the hospital for sa pneumonia. Then in 2009, pneumonia again. This time we went home with a Pic Line. 2010 was a cut on his head, and 2011....stomach pain. This time there was no answer. Honestly they didn't do anything for him. I have probably done more for him here at home than they did at the hospital.
Initially, they sang the song of Appendicitis. Made a big huge deal about it, Cat scan was in our future, he was transported by ambulance to Wesley Medical Center, at like 10 pm at night. He was treated like he was having a major problem. This morning.....the sang a completely different tune. The surgeon came in and said there is no appendicitis, there's no reason to operate, nothing. Now, I was thankful to hear no operation was necessary. However, come 11:30 this afternoon when it started happening again.....I wished they would find SOMETHING just so we knew. Something they could fix, something to give us a reason as to why my baby boy was in so much pain. Fast forward 8 hours later, he's lying on the floor of Dollar General because his belly hurts. (Gas meds I hope will help...allergy meds I hope to help his nose,  and a robot because the poor baby got stabbed in his hand TWICE.) Rylan spent his first night away from me last night. Today he's been a little clingy, but not too bad. I think his clingy-ness right now is tired. Mommy's tired too. Sleeping in a hospital bed, with a kiddo who feels like poo, NOT fun. :(

June 6, 2011

My "New" Father In Law

Where do I start? When I met my husband, I didn't know how separated his family was. His father lives in New York. He hadn't seen him in just about 20 years. We went through our entrie relationship and he never mentioned him, I don't even remember how I learned about him. When we found out we were having Corban, he decided he wanted to find him. So we did. We started by writing a letter, which just happened to be the postman of the town he lives in. We later got a call from him. The communication was okay for a while and for some reason dropped of drastically. Then one day it just stopped. I remember right about Thanksgiving 2007 he called. Nobody was home to answer. But there was a message from him asking about the baby. Well, for almost 4 years now there had been no contact again. Then right around the first of the year, my husband start receiving friend requests from his relatives on his facebook. Which led to a cousin who actually lives with his dad. This quickly led to him coming to visit. At first I didn't know what to think. I was okay until the day he was coming. That morning when Matt text me to say he was in the air, for some reason I panicked, and from that moment forward I was so nervous I couldn't eat. I couldn't concentrate, anything. It was strange at first, I'll admit. Matt seemed to take right to him, and they picked up like they had never left off. Just like they lived apart, rather than had no contact for years. He was here only 4 days, and there was so much to learn. You cannot learn almost 20 years in 4 days.
He was very generous, very kind, and Not at all what I had pictured from the stories I'd heard. Our kids took right to him. Courtleigh cried tonight, because "I miss Grandpa." He found himself a home in their little hearts. I am still trying to process all the things I learned, and trying to figure out where I take the information. I have yet to hear what my husband thinks, but I hope he'll let me in and share that with me.
I am glad that the time for him and his siblings came for them to meet their father again after so many years. I hope that he doesn't let them down, and I hope that they can all learn to share the love that could have been there if they'd been around each other all these years. I pray that they all find the peace they deserve and get the answers I know that they so desperately desire.