May 16, 2012

This will be the death of me....

I knew it was a possibility. I thought I'd be okay with it. Back in November, I started having major  problems with my lady parts. I went to the dr who delivered Rylan and her only suggestion was to put me on birth control. That did NOT help any, in fact it made it worse. So, in April I went to my regular doctor about it. Well that lead to an ultrasound, lab tests, and a different ob visit. Well, that visit was on Monday. The answer was not what I had hoped for, but something I THOUGHT I had prepared myself for...Tuesday, June 5th I will go under the "robotic knife" and endure a total hysterectomy. They will leave my right ovary. I will be out of work for at LEAST 2 weeks. With a 6 week recovery period. For the first two weeks I won't be able to drive. I'm farely independent. I will need help, I really have none. My mom just had a hip replacement, that has gone a lot further than she wanted it to. She won't be able to handle helping out with the boys. My father will be gone beginning of June (before my surgery). Discussion has been tossed around about having my father-in-law fly in to help. Nothing has been decided yet...and I'm not even sure that I'll have a ride HOME from the hospital...What I will say, is that if I have to have someone OTHER than my Husband drive me home, not only will he get a swift kick in the face (not literally) but so will his "boss" who is one the most insensitive jerks I've ever met.
My biggest problem with accepting this has been............and most of you will think "oh how selfish"..
Babies. Just as I was accepting my tubal, and REALLY okay with not having anymore babies....I get slammed. And now I cry, a LOT, because I will NEVER have the ability to have another baby. Even if I were to get rich and could afford invitro....I won't be able to. A lot of people around me are having babies. And 95% of them are having the baby girl I have always wanted to give Matt. I'm not sure why I struggle so much with it, but I really do just plain struggle with it.
 I cried the entire way home from work, and while it may not have been JUST over this...this was the majority of it. Why can't I accept this?! Why can I not just let go of the babies?! We carry Cystic Fibrosis....each child we were to have has a 25% chance of having it. We chose to have my tubes tied because of this. It was a decision we made in good concious. I don't think that losing "my lady parts" makes me any less of a woman. But I do feel like it may just be the end of the world. now that I'm going to be either ignored, or bombarded by the "you're a selfish cry baby" comments....That concludes my rant/cryfest.

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